81 | One of My Biggest Fears

"I miss when I thought chasing dreams was
Holy magic behind curtains in a sacred place
Before it was managers and lawyers
Who colored up and cashed them out
For vacation homes in coastal states"

From Heroes by Ben Rector

Yes, I had to look up the definition of "colored up" - in a game of poker exchanging many low-value chips (of one color) for fewer higher value chips (of a different color) while keeping the same overall value - but as soon as I did I had goosebumps.

I've never had the words, but this is the essence of an "anti-goal" that I have used throughout my entire career.

I've been afraid of managing and coloring up and cashing out - it's as if the very concept has been the opposite end of an invisible magnet repelling me away from some career paths and final destinations and pushing me in the general direction of others.

I've been scared of the way coloring up and cashing out would place the outcome ahead of the purpose.

I've been scared of the way it would slowly and quietly suck the life out of how I spend my days.

I've been scared of the way it would distance me from family, friends, and strangers alike.

I'm scared of the way it would sneakily place money and what it can buy above most things that are a lot harder to measure.

I'm scared of the way it would snuff out the flickering light of some of my most closely held dreams and wildest ideas.

It's not a condemnation of a manager or lawyer or any other role.

It's not even a condemnation of building financial wealth or second homes.

Borrowing from Richards, I see it as slowly allowing the game or institution or status quo to distract you from who you were created to be.

Borrowing from Buechner, I see it as slowly allowing your greatest joy to become untethered from the world's greatest need.

I've always thought that chasing dreams truly was "holy magic behind curtains in a sacred place". Something that was more magic than baby steps and reserved for the select few that knew the secret password to get behind the curtain.

As I've grown up, it seems that chasing dreams or becoming more like who we were created to be is more baby steps than magic and there's no curtain - the hardest part is not giving into the constant call to color up and cash out.

The thing is that coloring up doesn't change the value, only the appearance - maybe it isn't what it's cracked up to be after all.