Relationship with Money
A blog that knows “enough” isn’t a number
225 | Compared to What?
Money is tricky because it's a game with no real rules.
No refs or commissioners.
No game clock, play clock, or shot clock.
No schedule or standings.
No scoreboard or championship.
It's missing the basic guidelines that allow us to reflect, tweak, and game plan based on a shared understanding of reality.
This is what we'll do next half since that happened in the first half.
That strategy isn't allowed any more so we'll have to use this one.
We only have enough time left for this approach.
Can you imagine how good we're going to be next season?!
Usually, we don't appreciate the value of order until it's gone.
And with money it's often MIA from the start.
So tracking "progress" is haunted by the fickle question..."compared to what?".
Yesterday?
Our neighbors or siblings?
If we'd chosen the other option?
If we were on better terms with our boss or biggest client?
If we won the lottery?
Without introducing some basic guidelines, it's as if we're learning a new sport from scratch every time we think about money.
223 | All for Naught
A big decision that falls through can make it seem as if time was wasted in the discernment.
But that's far too short-sighted.
Big decisions are one of the only ways to pave new highways for money thoughts to travel through our head.
And note that entertaining decisions - not getting outcomes - is the key action.
Honest thought given to a big decision is like downward-facing dog to your calves - something that was tight and brittle becomes loose and pliable.
Priorities that are rearranged.
Time that frees up.
Assets that are less clutched.
Debt that is less suffocating.
Income that flows more freely.
Spending that is repurposed.
All from evaluating the pros and cons or briefly entertaining the outlandish.
It's never all for naught.
219 | Michelangelo
To those amazed by Michelangelo's completed David sculpture, he said, “I created a vision of David in my mind and simply carved away everything that was not David.”
Our relationship with money isn't that different.
There aren't that many things to know or to do well - just ask a kid as the sun sets on his lemonade stand.
But life tends to cloud that "vision in our mind" enough to keep us from "simply carving away everything that isn't".
We digest news or misunderstand how something works and the stone calcifies.
We use generic advice or prioritize the little things and gauge out a chunk.
We see snippets of someone else's sculpture and forget that their lion isn't our school bus.
It took Michelangelo about 3 years - likely working daily - to "carve away everything that wasn't David".
We aren't that committed and we can't disappear to a studio, so we chisel for a lifetime - imperfectly revealing a masterpiece...
We shirk the responsibility of our work and the arm looks funny for a time.
We save in a way that makes sense for now and reveal the shape of a torso.
We invest in a way that's not meant for us and temporarily deform the knee.
We spend a little better and uncover a nose or ear.
David is there, but we have to carve everything else away.
205 | What Money Allowed Us to Do
Spending is tricky.
Some is fun, some is obligatory, and some makes you want to throw up.
Some we hope to repeat, and plenty we hope never happens again.
Without a teacher to grade it or a boss to give it a performance review, it’s hard to know if we’re being responsible or doing it well.
So, we judge, compare, rationalize, or grasp for arbitrary “budgets” to try and make sense of things.
And then spending becomes a number to control or regret or bemoan instead of a dynamic story about real life.
Everyone feels these feelings – including myself.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
So, to try and move from controlling to storytelling, here are some things that our money allowed us to do in 2024…
$1,500 to seal a cut on our 3-year-old’s forehead
Expensive for a dollop of Dermabond, but less so (as Jessica continues to remind me!) when viewed as peace of mind for 6 more days at the beach and freedom from regretting a scar
$1,900 to a handful of phenomenal babysitters
We were able to go on date nights and commit to church small groups while our kids played with a role model – said that way, it sounds like an investment more than an expense
$9,200 on two LASIK surgeries
A contact-free house and the chance to make up the cost in 6 to 8 years hasn’t disappointed yet – fortunately, this is a once-in-a-lifetime expense instead of an annual one
$5,500 to remove a couple generations of squirrels and birds from our attic
A bitter financial pill to swallow, but gone are concerns of gnawed electric wires and the scratching sounds in our ceiling 30 minutes before our alarm clock
$100 for insurance on an engagement ring and a pair of earrings
The peace of mind and lack of marital tension when one went down the drain was impossible to measure (it was eventually found!)
$1,200 for two tickets to the UNC-Duke game at the Dean Dome
“Richard’s Taylor Swift Concert” that was easier to rationalize (on the front end) with the help of a $500 Christmas gift from family and (on the back end) an electric performance by the Tar Heels
$4,500 at restaurants
The biggest month was $520, and the smallest $200 – but every month afforded connection with friends, connection as a couple, connection as a family, a little convenience, and the joy of feasting on good food we didn’t have to prepare
$500 for a summer pool membership
The cost per hour was low for an activity that anchors a summer day, teaches kids to swim, and deepens relationships for the entire family
$4,300 maintaining a 2018 Sienna and a 2022 RAV4
Over $2,000 came in November to cap off the Shore family year of deferred maintenance – not fun and easy to overlook the privilege of maintaining a car to prevent a breakdown
$6,500 for a week in Ireland
Without a doubt, the most “treat yourself”-style dollars we spent in 2024 and the agenda-less, email-less, kid-less exploration of a place we had never been made me hope we can do it again
And of course…
Some was fun, some was obligatory, and some made us want to throw up.
Some we hope repeats, and some we hope never happens again.
But more than anything - just listing them out - provides more peace of mind and perspective than judging, comparing, rationalizing, or grasping for arbitrary “budgets” could ever do.
200 | Nature or Nurture?
A scarcity mindset is hard to shake, because nature and nurture allow it to be ingrained from the start or re-introduced in every season of life.
One by nature might look like...
- Never quite figuring out how to spend less than you make.
- Or using debt as a perpetual bridge to "when it will be easier to save".
- Or cycling through jobs without ever compounding your skills enough to reap real rewards.
- Or "saving money" with cheap tipping habits.
- Or stressing over hundreds of $10 purchases while ignoring a couple $1,000 decisions.
While one by nurture might look like...
- Believing taxes are the government "taking your money from you".
- Or deferring generosity "until you have enough income to give away".
- Or expanding your lifestyle with every raise.
- Or upgrading for more square feet every time you "outgrow" your home.
- Or accumulating so much that all your effort and attention transitions to paranoid preservation.
You don't win by avoiding the mindset - that's impossible because you can't change nature, and nurture is so darn persistent.
You win by recognizing it and then pushing back on it again and again and again.
Of course, that sounds a lot like refining a relationship.
199 | A Grumpy Vet and “Handouts”
The government (and paying taxes!) make for a good scapegoat when we're financially frustrated or feeling particularly Scrooge-y.
This story from a former US Senator captures an example of the frustration too well not to share...
"A veteran returning from the Korean War went to college on the GI Bill, bought his house with an FHA loan, saw his kids born in a VA Hospital, started a business with an SBA loan, got electricity from the TVA and water from a project funded by the EPA, his children participated in the school lunch program and made it through college courtesy of government-guaranteed student loans, his parents retired to a farm on their Social Security getting electricity from the REA and the soil tested by the USDA. When the father became ill, his life was saved by a drug developed by the NIH. The family was saved from financial ruin by Medicare, and then one day, this veteran wrote his congressman an angry letter complaining about paying taxes for all those welfare programs created for ungrateful people."
Don't be that guy.
The modern-day version would be happily receiving stimulus checks and PPP Loans, enjoying FDIC insurance on your bank accounts, being amazed by a National Park, travelling on an interstate, and plenty of other things.
And then bemoaning the fact that you must pay taxes or that someone you don't know receives some benefit that you don't.
Writing out a list of all the ways that the government (and paying taxes!) - literally - changes your life, might remind us that there's a good chance the benefits outweigh the cost.
198 | How to Master Money
By acknowledging that our interaction with money, no matter the level of financial wealth or season of life, is a relationship to be refined. Not a game to win, a puzzle to solve, or a journey to complete.
Zooming out tells a story that details obscure.
Simplicity clarifies in a way that complexity disregards.
Reflecting on "why" establishes purpose that tactics overlook.
Trade-offs encourage action that perfection tends to paralyze.
Transparency disarms the fear of taboo.
And financial resilience allows us to face the inevitable uncertainty of tomorrow.
Resilience looks like…
Generating income using our natural gifts and skills sets for a long time (maybe even forever!). All while managing burnout and spending time doing things with the people that matter to us. Income that is a pleasure to generate is even better than it sounds.
Spending in a way that brings lasting contentment. All while knowing that every dollar spent builds an expectation of the future. The ability to adjust when there is uncertainty and a respect for the sneakiness of envy are the only shortcuts to contentment. Ironically, generosity often increases contentment, while debt often decreases it. And spending on relationships with others is an investment, not an expense.
Saving, or - on average - spending less than you make, is the most powerful financial skill. Because it governs expectations and jump starts the pursuit of "enough". Filling the right buckets so they are accessible when you need them is more art than science. And cash on hand provides flexibility for today and endurance for tomorrow.
Investing with some clue about what you’re doing and a genuine belief that it will work. Knowing there are only two guarantees - 1. someone will always have better returns than you, and 2. the way you behave, especially when it’s uncomfortable, will determine your lifetime returns. Being an owner offers the most potential reward. Spreading your eggs across many baskets makes the uncomfortable times less painful. The longer you’re invested, the better chance that it works as expected. And a little more patience than the next person is the only shortcut. And investments will almost always be a distraction in your relationship with money.
Predictably, as our relationship improves, it becomes clearer that "more" does not magically lead to "better".
195 | Financially Savvy
Some people think it’s making a lot of money.
Some would say it's being frugal.
Others would consider someone who gave an in-depth market update or saved you taxes savvy.
I’m convinced that financial savvy is nothing more than knowing how to spend less than you make through various seasons of life and circumstances...
And then being able to tell the story of why you spent more than you made in the seasons that it inevitably happens.
The first part, "spending less than you make", is proof to ourselves that we know how to live within our means.
The second part, "being able to tell the story", is proof to ourselves that we're tuned into why money is going out the door and where it's going.
Once you've figured out the first part, you've mastered the technical side of finance.
But mastering the second part, is where we begin to refine the relationship that we have with money.
Once you can do both, you're savvy.
194 | Flipping the Script
Details obscure.
Complexity confuses.
Tactics tempt.
Perfection paralyzes.
Taboo intimidates.
Certainty eludes.
And "more" often misses the mark.
While…
Zooming out brings clarity.
Simplicity fosters understanding.
Clarifying "why" establishes purpose.
Tradeoffs trigger action.
Transparency combats fear.
Resilience is often in reach.
And "better" tends to deliver.
177 | It's a Relationship, not a Recipe
It's tempting to think money is a matter of accumulation.
Or an exercise in bundling the right tactics.
Or a series of individual races with arbitrary finish lines that are never crossed or never quite feel like the finish line once you reach them.
It starts to feel like a recipe that we can't get right, when in fact it’s a relationship.
Said that way, it becomes more apparent that accumulation, tactics, and finish lines aren't going to do much to change it.
A relationship is too emotional, and the future of a relationship is too uncertain.
And where you stand at any moment only makes sense if we appreciate where we've been and where we’re going.
Once it’s clear there’s a relationship, it’s clear the best actions are those that strengthen the relationship for this season of life…and the next one…and the next one.
Extra Perspectives
It Doesn't Go Away with Money by Jared Korver
"Wealth is rarely what it seems, and we who are wealthy would do well to be wary of what it’s doing when we aren’t paying attention. If we don’t take care, I think it can start to make us feel invincible, rather than present. Powerful, rather than resilient. Lauded, rather than loved. Smart, rather than wise. Philanthropic, rather than charitable. Seen, rather than known. Anxious, rather than content."
173 | Long Term Planning
It’s tempting to get carried away projecting and solving for the “long term”.
But this becomes a slippery slope of living in a hypothetical world instead of a real world.
The long term is only a bunch of short terms bundled together.
If those short terms are lived with…
Peace of mind.
Lack of regret.
Purpose.
Contentment.
Order.
Then the long term is going to be filled with those same feelings too.
Instead of speculating on the long term, we’re building good short terms so the long term takes care of itself.
172 | One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Usually, financial independence is referring to "independence from current sources of income".
If your income goes up (one step forward), but your level of spending increases to meet the raise, then you are becoming more dependent on that income stream (two steps back).
If you're OK being dependent on your current income stream, then spend away!
If you're looking for financial independence, then please save some!
170 | The Trouble with Timelines
Baked into a 10-, 20- or 30-year timeline is the assumption that reaching the end will somehow change things.
Once the time passes, you'll be able to adjust your level of effort or move on to the next thing.
But that's not how our relationship with money works.
There will always be trade-offs to spending money.
And your investments will never move based on your personal plans.
The skills you develop within this time horizon are the same ones you'll need for the next horizon, and the next one, and the one after that too.
It gets easier because you're getting better, not because the time is passing.
165 | $@&% Happens...or Does It?
When we reduce a financial misfortune to "Things happen" or the fruitier *$@&% happens", there's still a lingering feeling that you could have dodged it.
Look no further than the last time you saw someone else's misfortune and thought that you could have avoided it with better judgment or more will power.
But when we chalk it up to "The cost of doing life", there's a deeper acknowledgement that something was eventually going to happen regardless of the precautions taken.
Of course, the specific misfortune is going to be different for everyone, but misfortunes are guaranteed.
The most careful still have fender benders.
The most diligent still crack their phone screens.
The most organized overlook an expired passport.
Because when you’re busy living, it's inevitable that a bill is going to come due - an invisible bar tab that must be paid every so often so you can keep having fun.
It's just the cost of doing life.
164 | How We Talk About Money
Most financial conversations, even those with good intentions, are dead before they start.
They land in two predictable places...
Random numbers that mean nothing without more context - Nvidia doubled for me last year, I make $200,000, that car cost us $35,000, etc.
Or abstract nuggets of "wisdom" that mean one thing to the speaker and something totally different to the listener - buy low and sell high, pursue your passion, I remember those days when we had to tighten the belt, etc.
There's a better way, but it's not going to be as easy as this status quo.
We're going to start by pulling together a visual summary of your financial life over the past year - if we can get two or three years then we'll really have a story to share.
But we won't share it yet - there's still no context.
We'll set the stage by chatting through a handful of prompts...
What feels most uncomfortable to share?
What feels most comfortable to share?
Tell us how you got here.* What are the storylines of your financial life to date? Boosts received? Hurdles overcome? Big decisions faced? Big risks taken? Best spending (worst spending is intentionally omitted)?
Tell us where you long to go.* What do you hope your money is used to do? What are you preparing for with your money? What are you uncertain about with your money? Why are you building your financial wealth?
When have you felt the wealthiest? When have you felt the least wealthy?
Once everyone has shared these reflections, then - and only then - we'll reveal the numbers...
And the way you relate to money will begin to be changed forever.
*In the case of a relationship, it would be ideal for the less-tuned-into-the-finances person to share first.
- - - -
“Echo all of the above! I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time because I was reflecting on so much. Hearing your story - and the way in which you presented it - brought up a lot of thoughts/beliefs/emotions that I didn’t know I even had about our own financial journey. Thank you for your vulnerability and leadership and for this incredible safe space” Bekah Cooke
“Same here! Thank y’all so much and we talked about it from getting into the car until going to bed.” -SC Bolton
“Thanks again for sharing last night, Shores! It was powerful to hear your financial story. It has already sparked good conversation in the Satterwhite household! Grateful to be on this journey together.” - David Satterwhite
“Agreed! Thanks for everyone’s intent listening, thoughtful questions, and for most of all just holding us in love! Things have continued to stir within me from your questions and from just the act of sharing and I’m glad it’s led to thoughts and conversations for you all too- eager to continue journeying together!!” -Jessica Shore
163 | Scattered and Separate
Our financial life's natural bend is towards being scattered and separate.
The physical scattering of accounts that come from innocent things like sign up bonuses, saving for a vacation, getting married, or changing jobs - good deeds that are slowly punished.
Which compound into mental scattering when you're trying to keep tabs on progress or make a decision of any magnitude.
Because it's hard to keep score, it's hard to know how to win the game.
First, we've got to name the feeling.
Then we've got to keep it from becoming the status quo.
Because once it's the status quo, you don't recognize it as scattered and separate anymore.
162 | What Counts as Failure?
It doesn't matter what the projection says if it feels like we’re failing.
And for some people failing is...
Seeing a bank account balance go down.
Paying instead of getting a refund at tax time.
Having an unexpected expense at the last minute.
Seeing investments below their all-time high.
Being stuck in a career.
Arguing over the best use of discretionary income.
Paying $9.99 for shipping.
147 | Does it Make a Sound?
Much like the falling tree in the woods that makes no sound.
If you build financial wealth, but don’t use it, does it still count as wealth?
139 | You Are Not My Enemy
In our first years of marriage, one of our best friends shared simple, yet profound advice that has stuck with me for more than a decade.
To diffuse tension, he acknowledged how powerful it can be to take a moment, make eye contact, and say out loud...
"You are not my enemy."
Of course, this seems too simple, but so often conflict comes out of basic misunderstanding and miscommunication more than it stems from fundamentally different desires.
And look no further than money for an arena that pits us as opponents - instead of teammates - before we even know there is a game.
The opportunities for lines in the sand are endless, but neither side gets you off the “are-we-still-on-track-or-can-we-loosen-the-belt?" train.
A nice restaurant feels like a frivolous expense to one person and like the most satisfying investment of dollars for the other.
A couple pieces of furniture feel like an unnecessary upgrade to one person and the key to unlocking confidence to host for the other.
There are careers to build and there are relationships with family and friends that don’t maintain themselves and don’t last forever.
I think finances make it easy to feel like opponents because...
- It's difficult to clearly see what is happening with our finances.
- It's difficult to get thoughts and feelings out of our head and into words.
- It's easy to assume our desires are more different than they are the same.
- It's difficult to acknowledge (or easy to forget!) what we're aiming for.
But if we can create some space for these things to happen, it becomes a little easier to see that there are no enemies.
137 | Technically Right, But So Wrong
Some things make so much sense in a spreadsheet…
Investing for 7% instead of paying down debt at 4%.
Contributing the maximum to a retirement account.
The smoothness of the line when projecting 8% returns for a few decades.
Roth conversions in low-income years to minimize future taxes.
But then…
Many people hate debt.
Some seasons of life demand accessibility that a retirement account can’t provide.
No decade of past returns has ever been described as “smooth”.
Some people don’t know why they got a tax refund, much less, why you’d choose to pay taxes.
Just because something is technically right doesn’t actually make it right.
Oftentimes, it couldn’t be more wrong.